sundays`

hello peeps..im blogging again.. just keeping my life updated.. today is just another sunday.. but today i'm filled with sorrow.. i just want to break down n cry so badly.. i feel so lonely.. i wish there's someone to care for me.. to love me.. to wipe away my tears.. to put that smile on my face.. to hold me close.. to tell me not to be afraid.. sigh.. woke up at 8 this morning.. went back to sleep till 9.. took my warm bath.. mum told me when i came out of the bathroom.. suleen's grandma passed away yest.. it's common for my mum n i to look through the classified section of the papers so that we know if anything happens to anyone n we can always send our condolences to them.. anyway.. got changed.. i felt so sloppy n rugged today.. was gonna wear my now extremely loose one of my favs white fila tee.. but it makes me look even worse.. my jeans were loose n dropping n baggy already.. brought my sweater along.. wasn't feeling very well somewhere deep down inside.. sigh.. went to have my breakfast without any appetite.. was gonna go back home n change my sandals.. wanted to wear my softie cover ups.. but i didn't.. went to church.. "kuai kia"[as referred by my dad] kelvin was being an usher n he forgot to wear his mask.. instead, i was the one with the mask.. hidden behind the smiles.. i wanted to break down and cry badly.. wanted to throw my mask away.. but i gotta control myself.. so i just sat there.. blindly.. went to fill up my bottle before the service started.. i finished my water.. my mind was floating away.. somewhere else.. i just don't know where.. but i know that i was not myself.. i'm greatly filled with sorrow.. n with no one made me better at all.. sigh..

went to kenyalang after church.. looked for the new mandy moore movie that my sis wants.. went to the coffee shop next to mum's office for lunch.. had some vege.. went to crowne square after that.. i was in a super grouchy mood cos i soooo badly wanted to go home n change out my clothes n shoes.. but my dad was being stubborn n ignorant.. =( up the elevator, n my sandals broke.. so went home after that.. bodyglove had nice slippers but not my size.. sigh.. changed out my clothes.. filled my bottle.. wore my softie.. went to saberkas after that.. got a new pair of sandals from ngiukee.. had no idea where else to go.. got my last one from SOS.. mum skinned me.. it was 16-1+1.. i have 16 pairs of shoes.. i think.. i lost count.. mum says i have to get another pair soon.. went to look at luggages.. hmm.. mum says i need one for all my shoes.. went to guardian to do some stuffs.. looked around to check out my new mobile.. i have a good enough new cam so figured i don't need a phone with a super good quality camera.. i just wanna listen to songs n sms.. checked out some notebooks too.. is Acer better than Dell?? hmm.. oh well.. came home after that..


*ivanna is getting fully annoyed cause her phone keeps ringing with some stranger looking for someone named chris*


anyway, took my bath, crawled into bed.. i feel so tired.. like im down with insomnia or something.. i wanna sleep.. but everytime i close my eyes i cant sleep.. i can't rest my mind or anything.. something keeps bugging me.. sigh..


suleen.. u have my condolences.. i know how it feels like..

sigh.. i still miss my grandma.. it's been a year plus since she left.. it just isn't the same without her anymore.. no more trips to sibu.. no more granny to cry n complain to.. no more granny to hug n kiss.. no more granny to massage.. i feel like it's my fault.. it was my fault to being so eager to go out n leave her alone.. it was last year.. went to sibu with mum n sis on the 2nd day of cny.. she was so happy to see us.. but we didn't spend time with her.. we kept going out shopping and stuff.. it was the fourth day.. we went out.. shopping.. i so badly wanted to go shopping.. mum n sis wanted to go back actually.. but we went shopping anyway.. when we came home.. i went to take my bath first.. when i came out.. my cousin, mum, sis, aunt were in granny's room.. they kept calling her.. i didn't know what went wrong.. i asked sis.. and she told me.. i ran upstairs n shut myself in the room.. crying myself to bits.. i blamed myself.. i shouldn't have insisted on going shopping.. i still blame myself till today.. my aunts n uncles told me.. my grandma kept wishing to see me.. n my sis.. badly.. my aunt said it's like.. her wish came true already and she's at peace to go.. but i didn't get to spend time with her.. the moment she left i felt so downhearted.. all i wanted was to go and visit her.. but i let myself get tempted to go out instead n leave her alone at home with the maid.. grandma.. if u can hear me now.. all i want would be for u to be happy.. i know you're in heaven.. all your pain is gone.. i know that you're resting in peace and with our Heavenly Father.. i love you grandma.. you know i always do..


i guess i better stop blogging now.. i've said enough for today.. i've nothing else to say.. i've some pics below.. night nights people..

how many bruises do u see..? i have plenty.. sigh..

i feel so lonely..

i need a hug..


* if u're wondering whr was i in those two pictures.. in the laundry room.. sitting on the floor leaning on the washing machine.. feeling all lonely and solemn..

i feel so lonely..
i feel so unloved..
i feel so uncared for..
all i want is someone to hold me close..
to tell me it's alright..
i need a hug..
i'm lonely..
i have bruises everywhere..
but the biggest bruise is in my heart..
i'm all alone..
my shoulder hurts..
i need some caring..
i need some love..
*filled with tears of sorrow*