..... or do I know..? ..... or does he..?
************************
Every now and then, this question pops into my head out of the blue even on my bright sunny days when I'm cheerfully skipping along my path. Yes I realize that it's a VERY dumb question to ponder upon when this is the question that I should NEVER ask myself or ask him. After some long thinking and wondering, I came to realize about 2 hours ago when we were talking in the car that it's probably the past haunting me so much that I find it hard to believe that this is now reality and I'm not dreaming or walking on the clouds again. That for the first time I'm finally walking on solid ground, being loved and appreciated as much, and for the very first time, to feel that this is just so right. That this is a match made in heaven indeed that it is by God's grace that we're brought together for a reason and the reason is not just love alone. As much as I can remember, over the last two months, I've changed a lot. Mentally and physically. I can't say whether I am not a better person, or worse, or just the same. Neither am I gonna suggest that you, my friends, should judge me. It's not your place to judge me for who I am when we are all not perfect. Yes I'm saying this straight. Does this now explain why I refuse to tolerate those spammers in my blog before? They don't have the right to judge me or anything. And I don't blame them.
Tonight, well, since it's 1.30am, I'll still consider it as tonight now, I really felt lost for a sudden moment where I just felt so insecure. Explains the talk we had in the car. I guess he's right, I can't forgive the past. Probably I forgave the people, but not the doings. Yes, I admit. The pain and the hurt I went through left a huge scar inside of me. Every now and then the wound tends to open and bleed without a reason and I'll have to slowly stitch it back properly so it wouldn't break open again. But also, I am now blessed and grateful for having a very comprehensive and patient boyfriend to understand me this much that I need to be taken care of at times. I'll say I am not easy to handle as I have my mood-swings and tantrums and all those girly issues. But he willingly put up with all of my imperfections and still loved me just the same. All this care and love has been so much and so real that I'm still unable to accept it that for the first time, this is reality. Not just a dream. Not just another fairytale. I am happy that I've found someone like him.
I may not feel his love at times, when I am feeling insecure. I'll say, I'm rather a very envious girlfriend. I get all twitchy and paranoid when he get head-turners or gazers. Of course, I am not at all pleased inside. I get all hyped up and stuff. I think this is rather common but yeah I guess I try hard not to show it that he doesn't even realize it at times till I recently brought the topic up. And I wanna thank him for understanding my insecurities. How many guys will be able to understand that problem?? Out of 10 guys, I'll say 2. The words "I'm feeling insecure.." will just get them paranoid that you don't trust them or that you think they don't love you and everything and then they'll probably just lose their head and start an argument with you that will end up with harshness and hurt and leave a bleeding wound in both hearts. Impractical right? Yes I've gone through that before too. Name one person that never gone through such and I'll congratulate that person.
I really thank God for giving me this blessed opportunity to be with him. For giving me the chance to see things the way I've never seen before. For letting me feel how right it is. For everything that He has done and given me, including a family, shelter, friends, enemies, great health, sufficient wealth, good food, and most of all, a wonderful boyfriend. =)
I LOVE you.
************************
Every now and then, this question pops into my head out of the blue even on my bright sunny days when I'm cheerfully skipping along my path. Yes I realize that it's a VERY dumb question to ponder upon when this is the question that I should NEVER ask myself or ask him. After some long thinking and wondering, I came to realize about 2 hours ago when we were talking in the car that it's probably the past haunting me so much that I find it hard to believe that this is now reality and I'm not dreaming or walking on the clouds again. That for the first time I'm finally walking on solid ground, being loved and appreciated as much, and for the very first time, to feel that this is just so right. That this is a match made in heaven indeed that it is by God's grace that we're brought together for a reason and the reason is not just love alone. As much as I can remember, over the last two months, I've changed a lot. Mentally and physically. I can't say whether I am not a better person, or worse, or just the same. Neither am I gonna suggest that you, my friends, should judge me. It's not your place to judge me for who I am when we are all not perfect. Yes I'm saying this straight. Does this now explain why I refuse to tolerate those spammers in my blog before? They don't have the right to judge me or anything. And I don't blame them.
Tonight, well, since it's 1.30am, I'll still consider it as tonight now, I really felt lost for a sudden moment where I just felt so insecure. Explains the talk we had in the car. I guess he's right, I can't forgive the past. Probably I forgave the people, but not the doings. Yes, I admit. The pain and the hurt I went through left a huge scar inside of me. Every now and then the wound tends to open and bleed without a reason and I'll have to slowly stitch it back properly so it wouldn't break open again. But also, I am now blessed and grateful for having a very comprehensive and patient boyfriend to understand me this much that I need to be taken care of at times. I'll say I am not easy to handle as I have my mood-swings and tantrums and all those girly issues. But he willingly put up with all of my imperfections and still loved me just the same. All this care and love has been so much and so real that I'm still unable to accept it that for the first time, this is reality. Not just a dream. Not just another fairytale. I am happy that I've found someone like him.
I may not feel his love at times, when I am feeling insecure. I'll say, I'm rather a very envious girlfriend. I get all twitchy and paranoid when he get head-turners or gazers. Of course, I am not at all pleased inside. I get all hyped up and stuff. I think this is rather common but yeah I guess I try hard not to show it that he doesn't even realize it at times till I recently brought the topic up. And I wanna thank him for understanding my insecurities. How many guys will be able to understand that problem?? Out of 10 guys, I'll say 2. The words "I'm feeling insecure.." will just get them paranoid that you don't trust them or that you think they don't love you and everything and then they'll probably just lose their head and start an argument with you that will end up with harshness and hurt and leave a bleeding wound in both hearts. Impractical right? Yes I've gone through that before too. Name one person that never gone through such and I'll congratulate that person.
I really thank God for giving me this blessed opportunity to be with him. For giving me the chance to see things the way I've never seen before. For letting me feel how right it is. For everything that He has done and given me, including a family, shelter, friends, enemies, great health, sufficient wealth, good food, and most of all, a wonderful boyfriend. =)
I LOVE you.
No comments:
Post a Comment