sundays`

hello peeps..im blogging again.. just keeping my life updated.. today is just another sunday.. but today i'm filled with sorrow.. i just want to break down n cry so badly.. i feel so lonely.. i wish there's someone to care for me.. to love me.. to wipe away my tears.. to put that smile on my face.. to hold me close.. to tell me not to be afraid.. sigh.. woke up at 8 this morning.. went back to sleep till 9.. took my warm bath.. mum told me when i came out of the bathroom.. suleen's grandma passed away yest.. it's common for my mum n i to look through the classified section of the papers so that we know if anything happens to anyone n we can always send our condolences to them.. anyway.. got changed.. i felt so sloppy n rugged today.. was gonna wear my now extremely loose one of my favs white fila tee.. but it makes me look even worse.. my jeans were loose n dropping n baggy already.. brought my sweater along.. wasn't feeling very well somewhere deep down inside.. sigh.. went to have my breakfast without any appetite.. was gonna go back home n change my sandals.. wanted to wear my softie cover ups.. but i didn't.. went to church.. "kuai kia"[as referred by my dad] kelvin was being an usher n he forgot to wear his mask.. instead, i was the one with the mask.. hidden behind the smiles.. i wanted to break down and cry badly.. wanted to throw my mask away.. but i gotta control myself.. so i just sat there.. blindly.. went to fill up my bottle before the service started.. i finished my water.. my mind was floating away.. somewhere else.. i just don't know where.. but i know that i was not myself.. i'm greatly filled with sorrow.. n with no one made me better at all.. sigh..

went to kenyalang after church.. looked for the new mandy moore movie that my sis wants.. went to the coffee shop next to mum's office for lunch.. had some vege.. went to crowne square after that.. i was in a super grouchy mood cos i soooo badly wanted to go home n change out my clothes n shoes.. but my dad was being stubborn n ignorant.. =( up the elevator, n my sandals broke.. so went home after that.. bodyglove had nice slippers but not my size.. sigh.. changed out my clothes.. filled my bottle.. wore my softie.. went to saberkas after that.. got a new pair of sandals from ngiukee.. had no idea where else to go.. got my last one from SOS.. mum skinned me.. it was 16-1+1.. i have 16 pairs of shoes.. i think.. i lost count.. mum says i have to get another pair soon.. went to look at luggages.. hmm.. mum says i need one for all my shoes.. went to guardian to do some stuffs.. looked around to check out my new mobile.. i have a good enough new cam so figured i don't need a phone with a super good quality camera.. i just wanna listen to songs n sms.. checked out some notebooks too.. is Acer better than Dell?? hmm.. oh well.. came home after that..


*ivanna is getting fully annoyed cause her phone keeps ringing with some stranger looking for someone named chris*


anyway, took my bath, crawled into bed.. i feel so tired.. like im down with insomnia or something.. i wanna sleep.. but everytime i close my eyes i cant sleep.. i can't rest my mind or anything.. something keeps bugging me.. sigh..


suleen.. u have my condolences.. i know how it feels like..

sigh.. i still miss my grandma.. it's been a year plus since she left.. it just isn't the same without her anymore.. no more trips to sibu.. no more granny to cry n complain to.. no more granny to hug n kiss.. no more granny to massage.. i feel like it's my fault.. it was my fault to being so eager to go out n leave her alone.. it was last year.. went to sibu with mum n sis on the 2nd day of cny.. she was so happy to see us.. but we didn't spend time with her.. we kept going out shopping and stuff.. it was the fourth day.. we went out.. shopping.. i so badly wanted to go shopping.. mum n sis wanted to go back actually.. but we went shopping anyway.. when we came home.. i went to take my bath first.. when i came out.. my cousin, mum, sis, aunt were in granny's room.. they kept calling her.. i didn't know what went wrong.. i asked sis.. and she told me.. i ran upstairs n shut myself in the room.. crying myself to bits.. i blamed myself.. i shouldn't have insisted on going shopping.. i still blame myself till today.. my aunts n uncles told me.. my grandma kept wishing to see me.. n my sis.. badly.. my aunt said it's like.. her wish came true already and she's at peace to go.. but i didn't get to spend time with her.. the moment she left i felt so downhearted.. all i wanted was to go and visit her.. but i let myself get tempted to go out instead n leave her alone at home with the maid.. grandma.. if u can hear me now.. all i want would be for u to be happy.. i know you're in heaven.. all your pain is gone.. i know that you're resting in peace and with our Heavenly Father.. i love you grandma.. you know i always do..


i guess i better stop blogging now.. i've said enough for today.. i've nothing else to say.. i've some pics below.. night nights people..

how many bruises do u see..? i have plenty.. sigh..

i feel so lonely..

i need a hug..


* if u're wondering whr was i in those two pictures.. in the laundry room.. sitting on the floor leaning on the washing machine.. feeling all lonely and solemn..

i feel so lonely..
i feel so unloved..
i feel so uncared for..
all i want is someone to hold me close..
to tell me it's alright..
i need a hug..
i'm lonely..
i have bruises everywhere..
but the biggest bruise is in my heart..
i'm all alone..
my shoulder hurts..
i need some caring..
i need some love..
*filled with tears of sorrow*

- lonely -

hmm..i was out yest.. went to catch the latest movies.. 300 n Bridge to Terabithia.. 300 was better.. but the worst parts come when the heads r cut off n blood starts spilling n gushing out.. >< ruined my appetite.. haha! anyway.. picked anthea, went to sidewalk, happy came.. we had our dinner.. smth funny..


me: *halfway playin poker, msg comes in*
caryn: whr u now?
me: sidewalk? about to have dinner?
caryn: eat shit ar din tell me..
me: *blur* huh? haha *calls caryn* weih u joining us for dinner?
caryn: nope..
me: then y u ask me eat shit i dowan eat shit lah..hahahha!


hmm.. caryn u're weird! hehehe.. but i still love u.. hugs!! anyway.. caryn came to join us for a drink.. my appetite was.. bad.. tummyached.. guess i got too hungry.. x) i vomited out my breakfast anyway.. had a bit of lunch.. so i guess that was why my tummy kept growling.. haha! hmm.. when the bill came, we were all in nightmode.. couldn't read properly.. we read rm167.20.. actually it was rm107.20.. hahaha! it was pretty silly.. bleh.. x) mum called me after that said i have to be home.. it was only 9!!!! ><>< so much for having to spend a night out with my sexy ladies.. grr.. oh well.. tossed n turned in bed whole night but couldn't sleep a wink till almost 2.. sigh..

woke up at 7 this morning.. realised that my alarm haven't even rang yet..AGAIN.. it's been like this for days.. so i went back to sleep.. tried to sleep.. till 8.. was dead tired.. mum made noodle with soup with an egg.. i so badly wanted to vomit it all out.. couldn't swallow one single bit.. so i had 1/3 of it.. n mum said to throw the rest away then..
1. the noodle tasted weird,
2. it was from my mum's boss someone from school gave a whole big bag to his wife so he gave some to mum n Yvonne n Tus,
3. all i wanted for breakfast was anything but some yucky egg staring at me in my bowl of noodle,
4. i had noodle for breakfast yest so how do u expect me to swallow some more noodle today?

hmm..so i went to buy my miserable lunch..cha sio pau..i reached imh at 5 past 9.. i was late.. but class starts at 9.10.. the kids can't dance for long.. changed into my leotard, stockings n shoes n dragged my sorry feet into the dance hall.. start with the same boring warm up.. conducted their class.. it was boring.. it dragged on to 10.. amanda wasn't there.. =( the next class was.. oh well.. boring too.. then there was a kid.. jacelyn.. with her english story telling.. her mum isn't fluent in english so she got her daughter to bring her story script to ballet house n get our russian teacher madame natalya to help her.. in the end, it was pushed to me.. so my tummy continued growling till 12.30.. n her mum decides to kidnap me next saturday for noodles.. help! sigh.. i guess i'll just tell her my next class is at 1.. hehe.. not to be finding excuses.. but she speaks chinese n i was slurring all my chinese words just now.. im bad at it alrite? =( went to eat my lunch.. by then, cold lunch.. had tummyache again after that.. wanted to vomit but didn't.. whew.. helped with the classes from 1-4.. my class starts at 4.. by then, i was.. TIRED.. SLEEPY.. HUNGRY.. ACHING.. i just wanted my bolster to sleep on at that moment.. sigh.. but i did fine.. no worries..

came home.. had some peppermint cake.. mum baked again.. played my piano.. had my dinner.. mum made too much.. i felt so bloated.. i only ate a bit.. went to laze on the couch n dad decided to bite my ass.. i was tired n he thinks that being in the ballet house helping n dancing since 9-5.30 isn't tiring.. urgh.. mum went to take her bath so i had to listen to dad's "sermon"..

me: *half listening to dad, gets up*
dad: im talking to u sit down first..
me: *sighs, sits painful butt down on the floor*

it droned on n on.. sigh.. mum came out n i quickly rushed in.. after that.. i crawled into bed like a lil baby.. haha! SERIOUSLY!! my bolster felt soooo soft and comfy.. it was only 8.. n i just slept.. it was very quiet n lonely n boring.. except for the songs i left playing on my phone.. just some soft music to put me to sleep.. woke up at 10 when mum came in.. i couldn't really sleep anyway.. guess i was too tired.. so i threw myself out of the room n went to sleep on the couch.. hehe.. ended up sitting here in front of the comp.. i'm so tired already.. sigh.. goodnite..


some photos for u ppl to laugh at.. x)



i feel flexibly stretched!

beatrice n me..she cudnt stretch on the floor so she used the bar to hold her legs back..that's a 135deg angle..

peace!! we're happy.. hehehe..

i didn't want her to fall on my head..

i look so..happy..x)

it's like..so blue..hehe..

so.. green?

pinkish..hmm..took this just now..came home to my bolster..

got this from happy last nite..it was our graduation day..hahaha! i look so.."mean" oh n i just realised.. my eyes r as thin as my specs' legs..hahahaha!!

oh my baby basket..hehe! i love it..x)

momentary silence..
i feel so lonely..
it's so quiet..

bibbidi bobbidi boo`

the weather today is super blardy hot..i decided to stay at home and accompany my bolster.. been out with caryn n kelvin.. thanks for d ride kelvin bums.. hmm..1st day out, accompanied mr bums for lunch.. *piak* i was terribly bullied.. went to pick caryn up then.. and we went to jade pot tea house[i think?].. i seriously didn't bother to look at the name.. it's the one at the corner same block with hidden treasure at song thian cheok road.. hmm.. sat there n drank n laughed with caryn till we forgot the bums.. hehehhe.. sorry!! u were so quiet.. we didn't forget u actually.. no worries.. hehehe.. [i feel so bad] hahaha! by 4.30, caryn wanted to go to the loo.. but she wanted to go to hilton's? or riverside's? tsk tsk.. bad girl.. haha! but anyway, we went back to tj after mr bums parked his car at the same spot..again.. ahhaha! went across the road to tj.. i ran n nearly got strangled.. x) im good.. hahaha! oh yea!! mr bums got a summon.. told him he has to put his parking coupon but his lazy bums didn't want to walk back to the car.. *piak!* anyway, the cleaner wasn't there so we all ran in n had free use of the loo.. huhuhu!! x) how uncivilized.. haha! waited for caryn outside.. and we just stood at the centre of the building looking down at d exhibition of woods.. hahaha! how lame n boring.. hmm.. anyway, went down to wait for my mum then.. so i went home after that.. took another cooling bath.. it felt sooooo goodddd.. especially after a whole afternoon being pushed n bullied by my bums.. hey i was being nice!! x) hahaha! oh well.. managed to make a deal with mr bums after that to take us out again the next day.. huhuhu!! thanks babe! x)

anyway, it was usual.. met up with mr hot bums at tj, accompanied him for his lunch since his mum's not in kch n he won't cook.. *piak* laziness.. huhuhu.. anyway.. i nearly slammed into the wall thanks to someone who ate too much for lunch and became mr bigger bums.. hehehe.. x) we went to pick caryn up again after that and headed to hock lee.. played jurassic with mr bums since caryn was sleepy.. the game is getting worse n worse.. lousy guns.. huhuhu.. n i was terribly squished and sandwiched by the two knuckleheads.. my bums r still aching.. huhuhu.. x) played daytona with d leftover tokens.. caryn didn't want to play.. i was about to win the race when 'somebody' rammed into my car n made me skid off the road.. grr.. *piak!* went to get caryn's things from the car n went up to the foodcourt.. ordered some drinks.. helped her drew.. mr bums disappeared.. hahaha!! anyway when he came back, caryn shot a stupid question at him that made us "peng".. hahahaha! horny caryn.. sounds very corny.. huhuhu.. anyway.. help caryn drew her "boxes".. n her apple.. n her champagne glass.. huhuhu.. we just sat there n stared into space n laughing at caryn n her "ball".. hahahaha!!!! bleeeehhhhhh... bad caryn.. vulgarity.. hmm.. *smack caryn's butt* hahaha! x) after that, we went back to tj again to wait for my mum n i went off after that.. came home.. bath, dined, watched step up.. parents decided to play with their new toy.. the blood circulation foot massage machine.. sis called.. chatted with her.. told her about their new "toy"..


sis: how much izit?
me: 1k++
sis: HAAA?!?!? that piece of money can use to buy airticket to visit her daughter here la!
me: *laughs n tells mum*
mum: haiya our daughter should be buying the tickets for us if she wants us to visit her
me: *continues laughing* u heard her.. hahaha!
sis: nope... i pretended i didn't hear anything..


my family is crazy.. so lovable.. hehehehe.. *bish piak* anyway.. everyday my mum will smack my bums n poke my birthmark.. why? cos it's on my bums! x) grr.. anyway.. was watching mickey n minnie's sweetheart stories just now during lunch.. got so bored.. haha! n dad humoured me.. x)


dad: my cooooooooooolllll.. my coooooooooooooollll..
me: *huh?*
dad: *starts marching into the leaving room* my cool.. my cool.. [the heigh-ho song tune]
me: *stares wide-eyed at dad*
dad: nice or not? ahhaha! my cooooooooolllllll...
me: *cracks up*


hahaha! that's how crazy it's been.. actually eversince my third sis left.. this home had been more like a home.. hahaha! i feel sooo cracked up sitting at home everyday.. hahaha! but i've been going to popular every single day since my sis left for perth last tuesday.. so when i decided to stay home today..


me: *leaning on couch whilst sitting on the floor n msging*
mum: today not working at popular anymore?
me: huh?? *blur*
mum: hehehehe.. not working at popular anymore ar?
me: grr.. haiya!




after a while.. dad took his shot at me..


dad: "an chua?" [how? in hockien] finished reading every single book in popular already ar?
me: ><>
dad: *laughs*


sigh.. i'm like a laughing stock.. hahaha.. ok.. i'm funny.. i admit it.. x) practically humorous.. even my sis decided to take a shot at me b4 she left.. i injured my shoulder the saturday b4 she left.. n it looks very disgusting.. i figured that my humerus got dislocated from my collar bone.. so i asked her that nite..


me: *points at arm* this is humerus rite?
sis: izit? *laughs*
me: *blur* humerus..humorous.. haiya!!!


haha! urghhhhhh.. anyway.. went to timberland to check up.. doc said it's nothing.. but i still think that it's something.. hmm.. anyway.. i was right.. mum went to see doc lee with dad at nanas road to get some med.. n mum asked him bout it n he said the humerus got dislocated from d collar bone.. SEE!! i'm right! i've had enough injuries to know what's wrong.. x) haha! anyway i have a new bruise.. it's behind my head.. and i'm lucky that i didn't get any concussion like the time my mum went over the sp sidewalk by accident n i got the huge impact n knocked my head hard of the side of the car n had headache every once in a while for days.. couldn't even sleep properly.. hmm.. bumsy mum.. huhuhu.. x) anyway.. eversince i knocked my head the night b4 my throats been drying up, my eyes too.. n i get dizzy n blurred vision at times.. hmm.. piak.. all thanks to my bums who mentioned "ducky" n made me fall backwards n knocked my head..ouch.. it hurts babe.. urghhh.. well.. i don't know what else to blog about.. i assume this to be a long post already.. hehehe.. x) oh well..


some pics...

my super soft n cuddly bolster!!!

it's just soooo cuddly.. i bring it everywhere.. except the toilet!

it's the first thing i cuddle everytime i enter my room, enter the house or anything..

my ballet babies.. L-R: Esther, Larissa, Amanda..
Larissa n Amanda r sisters.. amanda's 6, larissa's 8..
Amanda is a BABY and is always sticking to me, pulling my hangs to hug her, holding my hands, hugging me, hugging my legs.. she's soooo sweet n cute.. i didn't plan to have esther in the picture but she came out from behind the curtain n sat down immediately.. oh well.. hahaha! sounds so crude of me.. hehehe..

i just wanted to cuddle smth furry so i just pulled this dog.. no intentions.. hehe.. my lion was too far away.. hmm.. n i have no other bigger plushes.. all in the cupboard in my parents' room.. hmm..



alrite! that's all.. toodles peetoots! hehehe.. hugsss!!

baby.. thanks for understanding my needs..
ur decision to put this on hold, i have nothing to say..
but thank you..
for everything..

remembrance

hmm.. well.. i don think it's that clear.. i lost d photo.. took that from d mag.. but i'll look for d original n ask my mum to scan it tomorrow.. 5sc2, we rocked!!

In Appreciation`

a big round of applause goes to..

1) Suleen
2) Caryn
3) Anthea
4) Happy
5) Tan
6) Dexter
7) Steve
8) Wendy
9) Cassandra
10) Rachel
11) Elly
12) Agnes
13) Delvene
14) Alicia
15) Angela



and the list will go on to a thousand.. that's just how much i appreciate those around me.. the laughters that we shared.. i appreciate it all.. your companionship.. your willingness to share your troubles with me.. i thank everyone that's always been with me.. all my form 5 friends.. all the form 4 people that i know.. all the form 3s.. all the form 2s.. and form 1s.. and primary 1-6s.. unknowingly, you guys left a big imprint in my heart.. i will always remember and cherish you guys from within..


those closest to me.. Suleen.. Caryn.. Anthea.. Happy.. Tan.. you guys were the best.. i'll never forget those school days that we share.. those who were separated at form 4.. i remember all those times we spent.. i'll never forget all those jokes and tears and laughters and anger that we spread to each other.. no matter how far we're all are from each other, we're always together in thought and in heart..


i wanna thank my pomelo.. for being my best at heart.. for loving me like no other.. showing me how much you care.. how much you can't bear to see me get hurt.. for staying with me though i hurt you at times.. for the pain you caused me.. for the happiness you give to me..


i thank Suleen.. for being my best friend all these while.. we've known each other since primary 1.. it's been long.. we got closer back then in form 3.. we've shared so much together.. all the bitsy secrets.. only known between us.. you're always there to help me up when i was down.. and i would be delighted to know that i've done the same to you too..


i thank Caryn.. for being the cutest pinchable cheeks best friend in my life.. we hadn't known each other long.. we merely got real close in form 4.. but all those memories.. was worth it.. you were always there for me to rape/molest/harass.. however you feel like putting it.. i'm miss all those hugs n kisses that we shared.. you, suleen, anthea, happy, wendy, me.. those times we kept trying to kiss tan or hug her.. it was fun..


i thank Anthea.. for being the fishy dorry and my best friend too.. though we never spent much time together.. we sure had a lot of fun.. celebrating your birthday in school.. all our funny pictures in school.. going crazy.. calling you grandma.. how suleen is caryn n mine's sister but is your daughter cause you went with tan who was supposed to be our uncle.. those times i make you mad and how funny you looked.. the sexy poses that you always give to my cam.. how you can never pronounce my name correctly and call me ibanna..


i thank Happy.. for being my bestest mummy ever.. thanks for always being there to give me advices and keep me on my feet.. those times how i would just break down in the middle of nowhere and scare the daylights out of everyone.. those times we used to spend together with sophie in moral class back in form 1 n form 2.. miss those times heaps..


i thank dexter.. for being a tease in my life.. all the laughters and happiness you shared beside me in pbk.. i had lots of fun with you.. and am glad to see you of the same church too.. you're one rich friend that i cherish..


lastly, this is a little new.. i thank Kelvin too.. [you better appreciate this] for being the sexiest pig and the hottest turtle.. thanks for accompanying me all the time especially at church.. and for listening to me bore you at times.. and for being able to cope with my annoyingness..






i thank everyone who's been in my life.. i love you all heaps.. you guys mean a lot to me.. for helping me to be someone.. for helping me to show the real me.. you guys are really a bunch of goodies.. and i thank God for sending you people into my life.. sorry for the times i would be annoying and bore you people or hurt your feelings at times.. i miss you guys endlessly.. all the best.. and remember.. you're perfect the way God made you.. and NO ONE, has the right to make you change into someone you're not..


thanks for listening to my ramblings..
goodnight people..
sweet dreams..
sleep tight..
big warm hugs to all of you..







`filled with lotsa sugar coated loves..xoxo
`marinated in champagne..

treasures`

my dad n mum's angels..

top : Eldest [Leela] , Second [Anna]
bottom : Third [Jayne] , Fourth [Me]


sis said it sounds very corny the way i called it dad n mum's lil angels.. haha! she said she's so old.. x) i think it's sweet..

knock knock

hmm.. blogger's lagging.. n my comp is laggin.. rawr! anyway.. i'm bored.. x)



i'm lazy to blog..
it's 12:32 AM!!

okay.. i'll leave a poem i wrote today.. it just came into my head.. haha!


no wealth shall tempt me
nor sweet perfumes of roses
no gifts to delight me
the simple key would be love.

behold stranger
look not on the outside
touch me not from within
but thus, touch my heart.

if a smile you shall put on my face
laughter filling me with joy
gentleness and tenderness.

firm grasp in security
a trust so deep and vile
a hope i should give to you
a chance to hold me close
to be my one and all
the faith
with love.



okay!that's my poem.. anyway.. got indulged in the bible earlier this afternoon.. read songs of songs..


All night long on my bed
I looked for the one my heart loves;
I looked for him but did not find him.

I will get up now and go about the city,
through its streets and squares;
I will search for the one my heart loves.
So I looked for him but did not find him.

The watchmen found me
as they made their rounds in the city.
"Have you seen the one my heart loves?"

Scarcely had I passed them
when I found the one my heart loves.
I held him and would not let him go
till I had brought him to my mother's house,
to the room of the one who conceived me.


taken from the book of Songs 3:1-4


sweet? yep i noe.. anyway.. i'll post pics soon.. x) haha.. kinda lazy now.. oh well.. nitey nites peeps! cheerios n sweet dreams of butterflies n kisses.. huhu!! x) *missing someone*